Running towards happiness - one week until AVL Marathon, 28 weeks until the hundo
About a year ago, I was in the break room at work casually talking about an ultra trail runner named Courtney Dauwalter. She is this absolutely phenomenal runner who holds many records and after watching the handful of documentaries about her, I have become a huge fangirl.
As I was fawning over her achievements, another coworker chimed in and said something along the lines of “people who run that much are definitely running from something else.” Her offhand comment, meant to be lighthearted and a joke, caught me off guard.
Was I running from something?
I guess I hadn’t really done a deep dive on myself as to why I like running far distances. I first started training and signing up for half marathons while I was in college. I would like to tell myself that I think I was just curious to see if I could do it. But if I am being honest, reflecting back now on it, I think there was a little more to it.
Actually, sitting here typing this while on a flight to Phoenix, trapped with only my own thoughts and no where to run, I think there’s a lot more to it.
When I first got in to long distance running, I was reeling a little bit at this time in my life. I was going through the stereotypical meltdown of switching from a big fish in a little pond to a huge ocean. I had been a successful student-athlete in high school, graduating top twenty in my class and winning multiple accolades for soccer. I wasn’t the best but I was damn good; team Captain, well liked, and smart to boot. And a goody-goody. I didn’t have my first drink until prom night, and it was one singular Smirnoff Ice.
When I got to college, I really struggled, and that really surprised me. I wasn’t doing well at school. I picked Civil Engineering partly because I sort of had an interest in it, but mostly because it sounded prestiges and hell, everyone kept telling me I was smart, should be no problem! But as the months went by, it was clear that I just wasn’t getting it. I was consistently failing exams, struggling with the coursework, and repeatedly felt embarrassed when I would join a study group and these other kids seemed to just easily understand everything.
On the athletic front, I sprained my wrist during club soccer try outs and had to pull out of the running, even though I felt convinced the talent around me was too strong for me to have a chance of making the team anyway. I switched over to ultimate frisbee but the team was new and although I ended up playing the sport for ten years and made life long friends (including meeting my wife), we weren’t very competitive and as a new player, it was frustrating to not be “good” at it easily.
AND. The big one. To add to the spiral, I was finally coming to terms with being gay. It took me about a year to fully get out of that suffocating closet and although the outcome was worth it, the process was a bitch. It still remains the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I would rather run 1,000 miles than go through that again.
I unfortunately think that my personal adversity was just too much for me at the time and contributed heavily to my poor grades, unhealthy drinking habit, and general poor sense of self. The cumulation of all these unexpected challenges resulted in me seeking a sense of control. And printing out a twelve week training plan for a half marathon and checking off the training runs as the weeks passed gave me that control back.
Don’t worry, I ended up getting through school just fine… eventually… after changing my major… and taking some summer classes.
But I think finding success in setting the goal of running a half marathon and then achieving it gave me the confidence boost I sorely needed. And it seems that sentiment continues. There isn’t an exact correlation between every one of my “big races” and some sort of life crisis, but there definitely seems to be a trend.
2008 - I struggle with coming to terms with being in to women and I’m not doing well in college. What do I do? Sign up for my first half marathon.
2013 - I was alone in a new city working for a company that I was slowly realizing was a mistake to join, and my now wife and I were long distance at the time. What do I do? Sign up for my first road marathon.
2017 - I moved to a new city (again) and took a large paycut to work a job that was a huge change and risk. I also stopped playing competitive ultimate frisbee and was missing a sense of community. What did I do? Sign up for another road marathon.
2021 - as we were reeling in the aftermath of COVID, I also was incredibly challenged at work and was on the edge of burn out. What did I do? I sign up for a Half Ironman.
2022 - I’m unemployed after quitting a good job because I finally burnt myself out. What did I do? I sign up for a 50 mile ultra.
So what about this 100 miler…
What am I running from this time?
A huge contributor to signing up was a need to rebound after Hurricane Helene. I talk about that perspective in a previous post here. And another reason might be just a general uneasiness with feeling a bit “stuck”. (Stupid flight journaling is making me truly take a step back and look at this question).
I have a job that I enjoy because it’s easy and my coworkers are fantastic. It was the right move for me after leaving an incredibly stressful and chronically difficult position. But the current gig is not very fulfilling, doesn’t pay much compared to my previous roles, and I occasionally struggle with a self induced sense of “failure”. Maybe failure isn’t the right word. Wasted potential? Ick. I don’t know. I have been working on getting over myself and accepting that my self worth is not tied to my title but it’s been a work in progress.
I probably am seeking a way to achieve something difficult since I no longer am getting that endorphin hit from work. So running a hundred miles seems to be my solution.
Let’s take a step back.
Is this necessarily a bad thing?
I don’t think so…
I believe it’s better than adopting a maladaptive behavior as a response to life challenges. Additionally, I am always grateful for whatever outcome happens in these races, and even in my training runs. My happiness is not tied to my finish time. My happiness comes with being proud of myself for putting my shoes on and going outside and enjoying running through the woods and trying to do something challenging. I think as long as I maintain this perspective on the sport, running will always be a positive, and maybe even a crucial aspect of my life. I’d like to think of it as running towards happiness instead of away from something.
Or maybe I really am just running from my issues. :)
Taken during the Firefly Trail Run 6 Hour in Hendersonville, NC